A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!|
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
"Really," she said , interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jack replies.
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
A man is back from the US-Iraq war and is with his wife for the first night in the year she says to him, "Honey do you wanna do something?"
"No," he replies and they fall asleep.
The following day she goes to a sex therapist and she gives her a plan. That night she stands by the window and feels the breeze, takes off her top and says, "Ooh, look what the wind blew off!"
Then she takes off her jeans and said, "Ooh, look what the wind blew off!"
Then she takes off her undergarments and said "Ooh, look what the wind blew off!"
Then her husband got out of bed and stood up and started to undo his jeans. His wife got all excited.
Then he pulls down his knickers and says, "Look at what Saddam blew off!"
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have."
"That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies. "And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved. That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child. "Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"
"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same."
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"
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