Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector. One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river. |
"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked.
"No, I don't think so," the other replied.
"Why not?" the first farmer asked.
"Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum.
"I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that.
"Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle.
"Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road.
"He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned.
"Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass?"
"Odd..." he replied. "I was just thinking the exact same thing myself."
A: Not even the pool table has balls.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.
He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.
"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"A Republican," replied the salesman.
"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican."
The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.
"What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies.
"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"
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