Sex with me

80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

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Dead gay

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his butt off.

"Why is it so d*** cold down here?" Peter asks.

The devil replied, "Well, ever since you sent that new guy down here, I'm afraid to bend over and pick up the firewood!"

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Flagpole

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking.

For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw......

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

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If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

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Payday The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."

When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten dollar bills, and a five dollar bill with this note attached: "Other five on payday."

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Q: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs, but a 12 inch dick?
A: Partially handicapped.

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Updated 9.6.2017 22:54
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