THE INTERNET IS LIKE A PENIS

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

= = = = = = = = = = =

Who shot the beaver?

A 110 year old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"

"Exactly!" said the doctor.

= = = = = = = = = = =

The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.

At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard."

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call."

= = = = = = = = = = =

Most of our readers will be familiar with the work of the American humorist Garrison Keillor.

Last Saturday, during his weekly monologue on his radio program, he said that all great humor has five elements:

1) religion
2) money
3) family relationships
4) sex
5) mystery

He then said that there was one twelve-word joke that contained all of these elements.

"God," said the Banker's daughter, "I'm pregnant! I wonder who it was?"

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