I have tried to make love to you 365 times

A LIST OF REASONS

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 times
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

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To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!

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What Can I Do?

Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, "Hello Henry," gave Henry's wife's breast a little squeeze and walked away.

A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, "Hello Henry," then, he too, fondled Henry's wife's breasts and walked on.

This strange sequence of events went on for some time. Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, "Listen pal, It's none of my business, but isn't it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What's the story?"

Henry looked at him and moaned, "What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody!"

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On the Golf Course

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been bitten by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bitten?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," was the reply.

He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."

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Q: If two lesbians and two gay guys were going to the beach, who would get there first?
A. The gay guys. They already had their shit packed!

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Updated 9.6.2017 22:58
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