Things you'll never hear a woman say:



o Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

o Go ahead and leave the seat up.

o I think hairy butts are really sexy.

o Hey, get a whiff of that one.

o Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.

o This diamond is way too big.

o I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

o Wow, it really is 14 inches!

o Does this make my butt look too small?

o I'm wrong, you must be right again.

o I think belching is really sexy.

o Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.

o Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?

o I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.

o I insist that you always put your mother before me

o I love a good cigar after sex

o I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.

o Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.

o The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.

o That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.

o It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.

o Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.

o That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.

o Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.

o I understand.

o You don't swear enough.

o I love it when you finger me while you drive.

o Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.

o Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.

o Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding. They go with anything.

o I think I'll call him up and ask him out.

o Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.

o I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.

o Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.

o Oh yeah,... *any* hole you want!!!
= = = = = = = = = = =

The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300."

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."

"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic lays?"

= = = = = = = = = = =

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707....

= = = = = = = = = = =



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