An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and....misses. They lose the match.|
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Rainy recalled shopping at the grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for 25 cents.
Ms Sam nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a 20 cents apiece.
Then Rose chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about..."
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose."
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well, then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!
Turning into the drive, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a pen full of pigs and explained his mission. Agreeing to a price of a dollar a pound , he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked up the pig by the tail with his teeth.
"Ayuh," the pronounced, setting the squealing animal down, "that there pig weighs sixty-nine pounds."
Noting his customer's astonishment, the farmer explained that the ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down through the generations. Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a city slicker, the man insisted on a second opinion. So the old farmer called his son over from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the pig's weight to be sixty-nine pounds.
Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him to go to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt. The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to the pigpen it was without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the old man.
"I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."
"Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.
"Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think she's weighing the handyman."
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