Murphy's Rules of Sex

Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

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Insurance Money

A woman recently lost her husband. Though not wealthy, he had made enough money that they were comfortable, for the most part. He had been quite the miser, never spending much money on anything beyond the necessities of life. This extended after his death as well, as he left instructions that he be cremated, thus saving the costs of a casket and cemetery plot. Fulfilling his request, she had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter and began talking to him, tracing her fingers in the ashes.

"You know that fur coat you kept promising me I'd get one day Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, do you remember that new car you promised me as well? Well, I bought that with the insurance money too!"

"And the nice home, jewels, clothes? You always promised me that some day we would have those things. Well, using the insurance money, I have them now."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes she said, "Irving remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."

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An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time."

The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

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Have you heard about the groom who was so lazy that he took his new bride to the bridal suite of a San Francisco hotel and waited for an earthquake?

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