Santa Claus

Around Christmas time, one day, a young lady was standing on a bridge, crying and moaning and looking very sad at the water running above. When she almost decided to jump, Santa Claus came from behind and took her by the hand.

"My child, why are you doing this?"

"My boyfriend left me for my best friend and my father is a drunkin' bastard who beats me eachday"

"Look, sais Santa, I can fulfill three wishes for you on one condition. Just say what would you like and I'll do it"

The lady thinks for a moment and then she sais: "First, I wish my father was dead!"

"Done!"

"Second, I wish my ex-boyfriend jailed in Sing-Sing"

"Done!"

"And the last, I want the biggest house in L.A."

"All done, but, with one condition..."

"What condition?"

"You'll have to bend and suck my dick!!"

"No way!!"

"Ok, then I'm gone..."

"No, no, wait..."

She thinks for a moment and then she sais: "OK!", and she goes for it...

After a while Santa Claus askes her: "How old are you, my child?"

The girl thakes a break and sais: "28"

"And you still believe that Santa Claus actually exists...?"

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A Hobo was cruising along in a brand new Cadillac convertible. His friends stopped him and asked how in the world had got hold of such a good car.

He explained "I was sitting on the curb minding my own business, when a beautiful girl pulls up in this car that you see and asks 'Want a ride?'

So I got in. We rode far out into the country, and she stopped the car. We both got out.

"Kiss me' she said.

So I kissed her.

Then she disrobed, and stood there in all her feminine beauty, dressed only in her panties. Holding her arms out towards me she said 'You can have anything I've got'

Well I could see that her panties would never fit me and so I took the car"

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A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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The difference between Niagra and Viagra?

Niagra Falls.

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