An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.|
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..."
Several months later came another letter. "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl..."
Two weeks later came yet another note. "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl..."
My father once told me of the time he was a little careless in a restaurant. It seems that between the appetizer and the entree he had occasion to go to the lavatory. Shortly after returning, the waiter brought his main course, and while serving managed to surreptitiously pass my father a note, the contents of which were as follows:
"Please, Sir, excuse this intrusion. "I noticed that a few minutes ago you paid a visit to the lavatory. Unfortunately, in your haste to return to your food and your companions you failed to adjust your clothing properly. As a result, I couldn't help noticing that your penis is hanging out of your fly. By now, I will have gone to the other side of the restaurant, where I will pick up a stack of plates. In a moment I shall drop these plates, thus creating a distraction and allowing you to adjust yourself unobserved.
"PS: I love you."
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