Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had
the mightiest "weapon".|
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon. He pulled down his pants and tied a five pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered ... the women swooned ... the children waved multi-colored banners ... and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a ten pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered ... the women swooned ... the children waved multi-colored banners ... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority, the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!"
He dropped his pants and tied, not a ten pound, not a twenty pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a forty pound weight to himself! The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered ... the women swooned ... the children waved multi-colored banners ... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher turned and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Two old acquaintances from WWI bump into each other one day and head for bar to catch up on old times. The conversation moves from family to retirement to golf, and settles on sex.
"So, how's your sex life been, Roy?" asks Tom.
Roy replies, "OK, I guess, though I haven't gotten any since 1955."
"Man! That's a long time! How can you stand that?"
"Oh, it's not that bad." Roy looks at his watch. "It's only 20:30 now."
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
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