Two drunks in a bar

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.

All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate.

He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls.

His friend shook his head and said, "You dumb ass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Ting-a-ling

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor that they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

The candidate leaves. The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops...

*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower".

*Ting-a-ling.*

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

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