THE BANK

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

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Smoke

When Rainy was a rather young miss, attending St. Mary's Catholic Girly School, she was sitting on the sidewalk out front, smoking a cigarette. The local priest walks by and gives her a glare.

"Rainy! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

"What?" said Rainy. "You got sometin' better to do after sex?"

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A big, fat woman, well over 250 pounds, wearing a tank top with last night's pizza stains still on it, Daisy Duke shorts with a big hole in the rear, barefoot except for one flip flop that still had residue from her last trip to the sty to slop the hogs, hair that hadn't been washed all week matted to her head, was in the Holiday Inn bar at happy hour, just chugging entire pitchers of beer, one after the other. She had just finished her fifth pitcher when she proclaimed to the entire room: "Any man can guess my weight, I'll let him go to bed with me."

Boudreaux wasn't quite so tipsy and decided to have some fun: "Well, Darlin', I'd say you weight 'bout hunn'erd-'n'-twenty pound."

"CLOSE ENOUGH!" said the woman, "Let's go!

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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"

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Updated 10.6.2017 01:02
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