Idiot's Guide To Sex 2

* IN > OUT < *Repeat as often as possible*

* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.

* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass,' turn her over.

* A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.

* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.

* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip down to the local SPCA.

* Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.

* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

* If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.

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The Winning Lottery Number

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707...

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun..."It's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool ... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, she yells.... "Hand lotion!"

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I always wondered about this.

If little girls are made out of sugar and spice, how come, when they grow up, why do they taste like anchovies?

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