Portrait Time

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken. The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat ladies."

The first lady asked her friend, "What did he say?"

"He would like us to sit down." replied the second lady.

Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?"

"What did he say?" asked the first.

"He's going to focus." replied her friend.

"What, both of us?"

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Spaghetti

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Italy, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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The old perfesser came home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some.

"How hard is it?" MrsPerfesser asks.

"About as hard as my dick." he chuckled.

"Ok," she chuckled back, "then pour me some."

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

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Updated 10.6.2017 01:05
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