Russian Rubber

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control......this is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms, ASAP, to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 inches long and 4 inches in diameter?" asked Putin.

"No problem," replied the President. With that, George W. hung up the phone and then called the President of the Acme Condom Company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms over to Russia right away."

"Consider it done," said the CEO of Acme.

"Great! Now listen. They have to be red in color, 10 inches long, and 4 inches in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said Bush. "On each one print the words 'MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE: SMALL."

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Up or down

At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?"

She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN."

= = = = = = = = = = =

"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Jill to MsKitty.

"But I thought you said Todd had a vasectomy," MsKitty responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

= = = = = = = = = = =

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"

The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

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Updated 10.6.2017 10:20
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