You are getting fat

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, Honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge! I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep." he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife got very upset and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

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It's All In The Pronunciation

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

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Randall, an amateur inventor, has finally come up with something he thinks he can sell: a vibrating tampon. Now, he says, a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
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A sweet young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy readily admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

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Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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