Acts of God

The preacher's wife was expecting a baby; he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this was getting expensive. The congregation held a meeting to consider the preacher's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd: "Having children is an act of God" he proclaimed.

In the back of the room, a little old man stood and in a frail voice said "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers".

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Things never to say to a woman when you're fighting

  1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

  2. "No really...I was laughing about a joke I heard onetime."

  3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

  4. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."

  5. "Wait a minute....I get it. What time of the month is it?

  6. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly) Cry for your mommy?"

  7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?'

  8. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

  9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store could you add 'giant fucking cork' to the shopping list?'

  10. "Whoa, time out honey. Friends is on."

  11. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."

  12. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

  13. "Hey baby - if I want a lecture on commitment, I can get one from my real wife."

  14. "I could so use a blow job right now."

  15. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,... don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?"

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The old and MrsPerfesser were having problems in the bedroom. After six months of talking, it was decided that T.O.P. would go to his doctor and ask him for the magic blue pill.

After the doctor did a very good physical and ordered the medication, he told the old perfesser that there had been several deaths associated with this medication.

At this the old perfesser became very quiet for some time. Then he shrugged his shoulders and said to the doctor, "If she dies, she dies."

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