"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".|
Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the priest thinks. Then he tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie Green?
The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon. Then suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and way too short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress, sits with her knees slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the alter boy and asks, sotto voce, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head as he replies, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
The cowboy says "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"
The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.
The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services before."
To this the woman says, "Well don't be, take this money and buy you someboots that fit!"
Old age joys
"Father, I'm 80, married, have 4 kids, 11 grandchildren, and 3 great-grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them, twice."
"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
Day at the beach...
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"$200", he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money...."Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..."
While he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"
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