A Huge Guy Gets Married

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that doesn't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I've got somebody to talk to now!"

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Perfume

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume.

"This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

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Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

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Two good ole boys were on the front porch talkin' about crops, cattle prices and such.. when the hound layin' between them lifted his leg and licked himself where dogs are want to lick themselves.

One said "Trey, I sure wish I could do that"

The other said, "Well Jake, I reckon you can, he don't look like a mean dog to me."

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Rednecks & Dogs

A Redneck takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?"

The Redneck responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

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There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"

The guy says, "But for how long? I mean I really like peas!"

The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed, and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"

The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years."

The barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

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Updated 10.6.2017 10:30
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