Church-goin' man

A good Irish man, Paul O'Benny, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

Paul O'Benny hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life
Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

Paul said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life
Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice, indeed, Paul!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Paul's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Paul won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there three times: Once on our wedding day; the second time, he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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The Ticket

A man and his girlfriend were in their car, and things were really getting hot. So hot, they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman is tapping on their window.

The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed they said yes, and apologized.

"Well," he said, "I still have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the cop wrote the ticket for. He looked at the ticket and read, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

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In Social Studies class, little Maury's teacher was talking about people's last names, and about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they were a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a mill, and so on.

Then little Maury raised his hand, and the teacher said, "Do you have an example for the class?"

Little Maury said, "Not really ma'am... more of a question."

"Okay, what's your question?" the teacher asked.

"Well," said little Maury, "what did John Hancock do for a living?"

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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His personal psychic advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is delighted with this news,

"This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

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The teacher was standing outside her room as the children entered one morning. Along came little Maury, deliberately winking his left eye.

"Why, little Maury," smiled the teacher. "Are you winking at me?"

"No ma'am, just got my turn signal on," little Maury replied, making a neat left turn into his room.

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Updated 21.3.2021 14:35
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