LARGE FAMILY

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids.

The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing. When my Mom and Dad would go to bed at night and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep or what?' and my Mom would say, 'What?' "

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Barber

Little Maury is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so his Uncle Perfesser gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet.

As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Oh, do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber.

"Don't be silly, you old pervert!" said little Maury. "I'm only eight years old!"

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He's just like a baby!

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, he is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me you were just like a baby."

The guy replied, "I am! It's 8 pounds and 21 inches long."

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Just do it

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

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