What A Woman Wants In A Man

Original List... (at age 22) 1. Handsome.

2. Charming.

3. Financially Successful.

4. A Caring Listener.

5. Witty.

6. In Good Shape.

7. Dresses with Style.

8. Appreciates the Finer Things.

9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises.

10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover.

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Revised List... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly.

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public.

3. Works steady.

4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting.

5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes.

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear.

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down.

10. Shaves on weekends.

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New Study Reveals Amazing Info

A recent study by doctors has proven that 2 drinks (beers, liquor or wine) reduces the risk of strokes by 50%. Is that amazing or what?

Doctors also said before that aspirin reduces the risk of strokes also. That means that if we take an aspirin in the morning and two shots of Bacardi at night for the rest of our lives, we should be able to reduce the risk of strokes almost completely. Another proven fact is that masturbation burns off over 100 calories.

Therefore, take aspirin, drink and fuck yourself and you'll live longer and leaner.

I'll drink to that.

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Underwater fantasy

For our 10th anniversay my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one beautiful young woman.

As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her coyly why she had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

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A Little Head

A guy walks into the bar and orders a drink and the bartender notices the extreme smallness of his head. He asks,"Excuse me for being nosey but why is your head so small???.

The guy says, "Its a long story, when I was in the Navy I was looking overboard while in route to Europe and noticed a mermaid in distress. I threw her a life buoy and pulled her up on deck. In her gratitude she granted me one wish. Well I have been out to sea for some time and I first asked her for some sex. She replied that she would love to but the bottom half of her was fish and that was highly impossible. So then I asked her for a little head.

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Updated 10.6.2017 10:33
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