Daughter

I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."

"Oh!" said the salesman, "Just how far is it to the next house ?"

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Baby planes

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

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The staff of life

The Oxbritches priest was walking down the sidewalk and encountered little Pauly, who had a loaf of bread in his left hand and his right hand in his pocket.

"Ah, Pauly my boy," said the kindly priest, "I see you've got the staff of life there in your hand. What've you got in the other now?

"A loaf of bread," Pauly replied.

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A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full, so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the frigging Jew!"

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Social Securith sex

Two women were talking. One asked, "So, how's your sex life?"

The other replied, "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex,"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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Updated 10.6.2017 10:34
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