In the Bible

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

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Bad Timing

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe. Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job."

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

"Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter."

"That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe.

And off they went their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street.

"Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe.

"T-T-T-T-Terrible," says Frank. "I'm n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and I l-l-l-ost my job!"

"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?"

"W-w-w-well, the other night I was having dinner at the b-b-boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "L-l-l-l-ook, Honey! T-t-t-t-hat's w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o to me," but by the time I f-f-f-finished w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls..."

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Sven & Olie, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.

"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."

Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride."

Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.

After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."

"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster."

Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.

After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."

"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."

"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay."

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Updated 10.6.2017 10:36
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