Two swedish guys

Two swedish guys are having sex when the phone rings. With an exasperated sigh, one of them gets up to answer it. Before he leaves the room, he looks at his lover and says "No masturbating until I get back!"

After a few minutes, he returns to see sperm all over the wall and his sweetcheeks lying on the bed, smiling sheepishly.

"I thought I told you not to masturbate!" he growls.

"I didn't masturbate," says his lovey, "I farted."

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The Amazing Perfesser

A travelling salesman is visiting a small town in southern Georgia, when he spots a flyer on a telephone pole advertising a circus and carnival held by the locals for charity. But what REALLY catches his eye was the extra-large-type proclaiming:
"Don't Miss the Amazing Perfesser!"

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts.. animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.

There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes an old man - white hair, tall but stooped over with age, and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out his lengthy tool, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Perfesser is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Perfesser!"

The salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

Again he buys a ticket, sits through the acts, and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and the old Perfesser takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing "weapon" and the crowd goes crazy!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. As they talk in his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

"Hey," says the old Perfesser, "at my age, my eyes aren't what they used to be!"

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BlankOne day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Updated 10.6.2017 10:36
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