IMPROVEMENT THROUGH HYPNOSIS

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."

He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

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THE GREAT TRAIN MYSTERY

In a train carriage there were Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

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Maury went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, he said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

Maury said, "Last night my neighbor, who just loves my accent, came over while my wife was at the movies with her mother and made me make mad, passionate love to her seven times, each time in a different language."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

Maury asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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The Chinese language ADULTISH

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?

A. Two can chew.

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