The Newlyweds

Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said,

"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

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Nookie Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle a and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

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OOOPS!!!

A man goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him as says "hello". He's rather surprised, because he can't place where he met her.

So, he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made out with all of my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

Looking red-faced, wide-eyed and shocked the woman replies, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her. She took one look and said, "Big deal. That's just like my husband's penis."

"You mean he's got one that long?" asked the surprised mortician.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

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